Sunday, November 15, 2009
Crappy Days Are Here Again
Didn't I just tell you yesterday that sometimes my journal entries are rants? Holy cow, what a frickin' morning!
"Finding Angela Shelton" - Day Eight...
I mentioned a few days ago that I'm sick. Yeah... I'm not getting any better. I've been on antibiotics for almost a week now and I'm still deaf in my left ear and hacking up a lung every time I turn around. My head feels like it's about to float off of my body and I feel like I could just drop where I am and go to sleep if it wasn't for the fact that when I lay down this excruciating pain shoots up the side of my head and makes me wail like a woman in labor. Most days I'm a happy camper, even when I'm ill. Not today. Today I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
When I read today's task, I knew it was gonna get ugly. More free-writing. This time, the task is to write for five minutes about what life would be like if I removed the Sword of Trauma. I was told to write about purging anger, rage, fear, anxiety or chaos... but I feel like total C-R-A-P today, so what came out when the pen hit the paper? A 15-minute rant about my relationship with food. Go figure.
I'm sharing today's free-write with you in the hopes that you will see that even the happy-go-lucky thriver who's spent years in therapy has a craptastic day every now and then:
"Finding Angela Shelton"
November 15, 2009 Day 8
5 minutes free-writing
Today I'm writing about what life
would be like if I removed the Sword
of Trauma... there's one specific topic
that's really been bothering me
regarding removing the Sword. I've
already quit so many of the self-
destructive behaviors I've developed
as a result of some of the traumas
I've experienced but I really need to
figure out what in the world is going
on with my relationship with food.
I am so sick of feeling like crap
because I'm overweight!!! It doesn't
even have much to do with my
appearance either. I am just really
freakin' tired of not being able to move!
I think removing the Sword will help
me in that regard because if I could
get it out of there then I could
stop obsessing over my food addiction
and live moment by moment and
take life's opportunities as they come at
me - 100% JOY instead of 90% JOY and
10% of obsessing over freaking FOOD all
the time. I wish I could go to food
rehab. Life would be so much better
if I could free myself of that addiction.
I know it comes from the trauma,
but I can't figure out how to fix it.
I've quit smoking... I don't have to
have cigarettes to survive. I've quit
hurting myself. I don't have to burn
myself or hit myself to survive. But
you know... I have to EAT to live -
SO WHY CAN'T I FULLY grasp
the CONCEPT that I DON'T HAVE TO
LIVE TO EAT?!! Dear God, it makes
me angry to think about!!! My life
would be so much easier if removing the
Sword could help free me from this
addiction. I wonder if AA would help
a fat girl put down a donut?
Those of you who know me personally know I'm a big girl, but my weight's got very little to do with why I want to change my relationship with food. I want to change things because I know eating too much and making horrible food choices is killing me. This must be my own subconscious way of punishing myself for a bunch of horrible stuff that wasn't even my fault to begin with.
Think about it... most of us have our own little way of punishing ourselves. We smoke cigarettes. We abuse drugs. We make ourselves throw up after we eat or we refuse to eat. We drink like fish. We beat ourselves. We cut ourselves. We have serial toxic relationships. You name it, at least one of us has done it. We shove the thoughts of the consequences of these self-destructive actions straight into those little boxes that we tuck away in the backs of our minds. Each of these "punishments" has its own little way of permanently damaging us, but when you look at the grand scheme of things aren't they all the same? Aren't we just sabotaging ourselves because we think we're not worthy of a happy, healthy existence?
I don't have any words of wisdom today. I don't have any weird analogies to explain. I don't have answers today and I don't have any inspiring quotes to share with you. But what I do have to share today is my honesty... and in my honesty I must tell you that even though I'm having a crappy day, I know things are going to get better... This day won't last forever, and neither will my pain. If I wanna have the rainbow, I've gotta have the rain.