The Warrior Within

As joyful and fulfilling as my life has become in the last 2+ years, even as a thriving and empowered survivor I still have moments of sheer panic, moments of disappointment, moments of grief, etc. I know triggers and old tapes often make their appearance when I least expect them, so I do my best to stay prepared...

See that pic above? I call that basket my "toolbox" and it stays under the coffee table in my living room so that I can run and grab one of my many "tools" any time I need to get centered. In that basket you will find my dream journal, my copy of "The Courage to Heal" and the accompanying workbook, my folder full of trauma work, a spiral notebook for journaling, some memoirs and recovery books, several folders with info from my therapist, and every piece of mail and every note and every card I've ever received from survivors who've shared their stories with me. I've recently added a new tool to this basket and it is something I'm thrilled to be able to share with you today.

A while ago, One in Four - a registered charity in the United Kingdom that is run for and by people who have experience of sexual abuse - provided me with a copy of "The Warrior Within: A One in Four handbook to aid recovery from childhood sexual abuse and violence" by Christiane Sanderson and staff.* One in Four states, "The book is for both female and male survivors of CSA and sexual violence, whether abused by male or female abusers, either within, or outside the family, or in a religious context. It is a portable resource which will support you when you most need it. It is designed to help you pace your recovery and to create a safe, secure base within that allows you to regain trust in yourself. In reconnecting to yourself you will be able to reconnect to others and the world. Together with your warrior within it will help you to triumph over trauma and move from surviving to thriving to feeling truly alive."

I was expecting something wonderful from "The Warrior Within" because I'd been following @WeareOneinFour on Twitter for a while and had seen them share lots of great tweets and information. I'd visited their website and gotten familiar with their organization, but I had no idea how much of a passion I'd develop for this book. Upon digging in and using it for a few months now I can honestly say that this handbook has been the best tool I've ever used in my healing journey. It's now front and center in my toolbox. I personally believe that a copy of this book should be in the hands of every survivor working to overcome abuse and trauma. I also believe "The Warrior Within" would be a great help to family and close friends of survivors who are seeking ways to support their loved ones as they heal.

First of all, the size of the book does make it very practical for toting around. As a matter of fact I carried it in my purse for quite some time during a recent challenging phase in my journey. As you can see, it's held up nicely!

My favorite thing about "The Warrior Within" (other than the brilliant way it manages to address both men and women without making a mess of the content) is that its ease of use is almost too good to be true. The first thing I noticed when I got the book was this great system of icons used throughout the text:

The icons are there to help the reader use the handbook in the way that best suits them. There is no right or wrong way to use this book. When I use this handbook I do lot of flipping through and grabbing the exercises and activities that best suit the issues I'm dealing with.

The book is divided into three parts, each focusing on a different aspect of the healing journey. Understanding CSA, identifying how to manage your reactions to trauma, and maintaining self-care are just some of the topics that are covered.

The format of the handbook makes it easy to move at your own pace, which is essential to healing and overcoming traumatic experiences.

If you're able, I would love for you to GET YOUR HANDS ON THIS HANDBOOK! The book is published in the UK and the cost (as of the date of this blog post) is £6.99 (which amounts to about $11.00 US at the current rate of exchange). There's a small fee for shipping and handling and an additional cost for shipping orders abroad. Please contact admin@oneinfour.org.uk with any questions you may have about ordering the book.

Until next time, may you be blessed - and inspired to pass it on!



*I would like to thank One in Four for the giving me the opportunity to review this book, which was provided to me unsolicited and at no charge. View my disclaimer and review policy by clicking here.

When a Man You Love Was Abused

Statistically speaking, we all know and love a man who's been abused. 1 in 6. That's what the experts say. 1 in 6* males will experience or have experienced some type of sexual abuse before the age of 16. I personally have three male friends who have shared their stories of sexual abuse with me. I've received countless emails from abused men since I started reaching out to people through Facebook and on this blog. Anyone who knows me well knows I have a burden on my heart for male survivors of abuse. These men are fathers, brothers, sons, friends. These men are hurting, and they need our support.



A few months ago I received a free book from Kregel Publications entitled "When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide to Helping Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation" by Cecil Murphey. If I'd been aware of how helpful and insightful this book is, I'd have gladly paid for it!

Cecil Murphey is a New York Times best-selling author with a heart for God. He is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. In this book, Cecil shares his own healing story as well as healing experiences from other male survivors. From the male abuse survivor's perspective, he gives us valuable resources and advice about how to help our loved ones. I've read numerous articles and visited websites and blogs and searched high and low for answers, and literally every question I've ever had about how to help my male survivor friends was answered in the 256 pages of this book. I found myself reading and re-reading, and - quite surprisingly - relating to so much of what these men have to say about being a male survivor.

The effects of sexual abuse are far-reaching and truly devastating, and when we see the devastation of silence and shame taking its toll on a man we love, hopelessness sometimes becomes a part of our everyday lives. If you are a woman struggling to find a way to reach out to a man you know who's survived childhood sexual abuse - especially if you feel hopeless or lost - I highly recommend reading "When a Man You Love Was Abused" because the insight it provides may give you the hope and the tools you need to support your loved one as he hurts and as he heals.

Click here to see the Amazon.com listing for this book.

Click here to visit Cecil Murphey's blog, Shattering the Silence.

Watch this video to learn a little more about why Cecil wrote this book:




It's easy to see why Cecil Murphey is the latest addition to my "heroes" list. I'm so blessed to have the opportunity to share this book with you all. I believe in it. I believe in its message. And I believe in the God who heals, who gave this task to a man brave enough to SPEAK OUT and shatter the silence.

Until next time... happy healing!

*Click here to visit 1in6.org - it's also a great site dedicated to reaching male survivors and their supporters.

Blog Party: Meet Lynn, My Virtual Encourager

Lynn C. Tolson is an author, an advocate and an amazing woman. There are so many things I could tell you about Lynn, but most of all I'd like to tell you that she has been an encouraging friend in the most troubling times of my journey. When I have doubted myself, she has helped me see that telling my story is not some insignificant thing. She has shown me that love and light abound in this movement of survivors sharing their stories. She's been a voice that has stood with me since the beginning of my truth-telling journey. I love Lynn because Lynn is a brave and brilliant woman who takes time out of her day to encourage women everywhere with her wonderful words. Here's a little about Lynn's WHY:


Who? What? Why?

Lynn C. Tolson, advocate and author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story

For nearly twenty years, I engaged in careers in retail, real estate and property management. Every working day left me feeling unfulfilled, as if I was living a false life. My real life began not by changing jobs, but by putting pen to paper in journal writing sessions. Themes emerged regarding the impact of my sexual abuse, drug addiction, and suicide attempts. By using the journal to write about the problems and solutions discussed in my counseling sessions, a story of transformation evolved. My desire to share a message of healing from trauma became too strong to ignore; the book became a mission. I left the corporate environment to write my story about personal yet universal emotional issues. Although journal writing was a cathartic experience, the book was written with the courage to face my fears, with compassion for myself and others, and a conviction to tell the truth.

Sexual assault, addiction, and suicide are unsolved social problems that carry stigmas. The stigmas cast a code of silence that do not solve problems. The result from not speaking about the crime of sexual assault is too often tragic. Thus, there is a need for real stories of recovery. By bringing my dark secrets to light, it is my hope that others who have had similar experiences will know that they are not alone. Readers may explore their own emotions to open lines of communication, eliminate shame, and experience healing. I also hope that my book promotes understanding of the issues that cause individual suffering and plague our society.

I am an ordinary citizen with an overwhelming mission: to confront violence against women and children. Given that sexual assault, including incest, is a social problem, my goals are to bring awareness to the public and to be an advocate for the victims. Using my life experience and social work education, I hope to offer information that will improve the quality of life for survivors. Perhaps the future will hold enough social change to reduce the need for real stories of recovery and sites such as Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story. In the meantime, know that my purpose as Lynn C. Tolson is in my initials: LCT, Learning, Creating, Teaching, to provide empowerment of our minds, bodies, and spirits. May this generation break the silence that surrounds sexual assault and incest so that future generations may live in peace.

I started the Project for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide. This is my mission: to comfort victims by sharing my story, confront violence by breaking the silence, challenge society via information and action. So no shed tear is wasted.

The reason I volunteer as an advocate is because I have been called. The rewards are intangible and immeasurable; they come as surprise gifts when something I wrote resonates with another, such as this message:

Lynn, you are the voice of so many voiceless women who are victims of abuse. I would not be surprised at the high numbers you've helped that you'll never hear from. Sometimes all a person needs is knowing there is someone who understands what they've gone through in order to take a step towards ending the abuse. You, dear angel, have a calling and you've found it and I hope you never stop reaching out to those who suffer.

What came upon me as evil in the form of abuse I hope to use for good by speaking out. As one heals, so does another...

Do a Little Digging and Find Yourself

The following is a post I wrote as a guest blogger for Heal My PTSD, LLC. It has since been featured as a blog-a-thon story at Fluttering Designs and I've gotten some positive feedback via email regarding the post so I'd like to share it with you here. It's a piece that was written to show other sufferers of PTSD some of the ways I began to discover that I could be "ME" again. I hope you enjoy it, but most of all I hope it inspires you to do a little digging to find your way to your own true self.



My name is Megan. I am 32 years old, and I am just beginning to discover who I really am... and that’s okay with me.

During a discussion with my therapist in the summer of 2009, I decided it’s time to for me to find myself. These are the facts: I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter, a sister, and a friend. But beyond these labels, I had no idea how to define myself as an individual, and that bothered me. I was tired of watching the people around me celebrate their individuality, following their passionate pursuits while I sat idly by and counted the days until my next therapy session. I had hidden in the shadows of my diagnosis for so long that I had neglected to develop my own interests. I had spent my entire life just existing, and I wanted to know what it felt like to really live. Was there something beyond the depression, the anxiety, the hurt, the pain and the shame?

My therapist suggested reminiscing... remembering the things that brought me joy as a child. What did I love to do? What made me smile? What did I get lost in? My answer: books. I remembered hot summer days spent lazing on our front porch, reading my favorite stories while I squinted and shielded my eyes from the sun’s bright rays. I remembered the year I was the top student in my reading group and my teacher rewarded me with my very first chapter book. Books were an escape for me... a safe place to turn to when the burden of my reality was too difficult to bear. But somewhere along the way, I forgot about the happiness I found in the pages of a good book, and I stopped reading altogether.

Summer came, and with the blessings of my husband and our two sons, I enrolled our family in the summer reading program at our local public library. I started reading every day, and quickly rediscovered the sense of adventure and the hope I found in the words of others. I had found at least one little piece of the puzzle of who I really am. I am a reader. Becoming a reader again was a wonderful thing. I would wake up each day and look forward to completing household chores and motherly duties so that I could retire to the couch at the end of the day, good book in hand. In the summer of 2009 I read 26 books. With each book I read, I found a little more joy. I was taking time out of almost every single day to devote to the search for myself.


Taking time for myself felt so good! I learned that in order to find the joy I had been aching for so deeply, I had to create the circumstances that would allow me to experience it. I realized that waiting for joy to “happen to me” was like waiting for the flowers in my garden to grow, all the while refusing to give them any water. How could I just expect joy when I was doing nothing to nurture myself? As time has passed, the “finding myself” experiment has moved from reading to singing to dancing to painting to just taking time each day to play... I’ve discovered a love for writing, a love for cooking, and a love for board games. And who knows what else I’ll get into? The journey’s not over yet! That’s the beauty of it all.

One of the books I began reading over the summer is “The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse” by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. My therapist and I have been working together to complete the exercises in the book and the companion workbook, and it has changed my life. Realizing that every step of healing is my own personal choice and is completely dependent upon my willingness to try and to sometimes fail... well, it’s changed me.

I no longer place limitations on myself. I have learned that I am not only a survivor, but that I am also a thriver, a voice, a brave and courageous warrior in the fight of my life. I’ve realized I have power. I have the power to dwell on the circumstances surrounding my trauma, or the power to do the best I can to process the emotions I’ve been so afraid of so that I can live and experience true peace of mind. Processing my fears has allowed me to let go of the past and move toward reclaiming the joy that was stolen from me so many years ago.

Every day I make choices. I make choices to remember that I’m no longer in the midst of my trauma. I make choices to try new things when I see that old patterns and old coping mechanisms aren’t working for me. I choose to participate in programs - like Angela Shelton's 30 Day Healing Journey - that teach me new ways to find joy. I choose to speak out against the kind of abuse I was subjected to as child. I choose to speak out to let other survivors know they are not alone. I choose to educate myself and to do what I can to help others who have faced the same type of adversity that I’ve experienced.

My life is not perfect. I make mistakes. I have bad days. But overall, my life is now filled with an abundance of joy simply because I choose to be joyful. Sometimes the choice is not so easy to make, but when I consider what I’ve discovered about myself by choosing to live joyfully... well, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You Are Not Alone, Carmen's Story (Blog-a-thon Post 18)

Dear Survivor,

Carmen wants you to know you are not alone. Here's what she has to say:

I was born in post-war Germany, and I just a couple months old when my parents, were divorced and gave me away to be raised by a poor welfare couple who lived in a three-room hovel without running water or electricity. While this might sound awful, it was ultimately a good thing because looking back, I can see that, had I been raised during my formative years by my natural mother who was an alcoholic and a prostitute, I probably wouldn’t be the person that I am today.

But, what I thought was a “perfect world” came to an end just before I turned nine when my natural mother married an American soldier and together they tore me out of my happy foster home because Mother couldn’t leave Germany unless all the children that she had given up for adoption, were legally adopted. The Neumanns couldn’t adopt me because they were welfare recipients, and so Mother was basically forced to take me back. It was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me – until, my adoptive father, Austin Forrester, a well-respected Army First Sergeant, began to sexually abuse me just months after my “abduction.” Luckily, my mother divorced him when I was 14, because I’m not sure I would have survived after I began to fight his endless advances. Austin actually put me in the hospital with internal injuries once when I was 14, after I threatened to tell on him. I was so terrified of the man, I lied to the doctors about my bruises, swearing I’d fallen off my horse, into a rockpile...

Suffice it to say, my entire childhood was hell. Life with my mother was an endless barrage of turmoil. By the time I graduated high school in 1969, I had attended 14 different schools and lived in a dozen different places. Whereas Austin had been physically abusive, my mother was mentally abusive, and so, to get away from home, I joined the Army, which was the best decision I could ever have made because it culminated in a very successful 22-year career as an Army journalist with a college degree and a business college diploma. But my personal relationships never got off the ground until I found my way to God at age 44. These events are all outlined in my book, “Rags to Rabbi” which can be purchased at Amazon.

Groups like this one are so very, very important, because they not only help us to find the courage to speak out BECAUSE of the moral support of others, but they let you know you aren't alone in this. When I was a child victim of mental and physical abuse, I honestly thought I was the only one these things were happening to. Well, today, I am NOT alone anymore - thank God!

Stay tuned... more survivor stories will follow.

Watch the live UStream broadcast of this blog-a-thon by clicking here.

You Are Not Alone, Lynn's Story (Blog-a-thon Post 17)

Dear Survivor,

Lynn wants you to know you are not alone. Here's what she has to say:

As a survivor of sexual abuse, including incest, and as an advocate for victims, I peruse internet sites in search of support, resources, and research. In September, 2009, when Mackenzie Phillips’ memoir “High On Arrival” was published, I watched her interviews. I wanted to hear what others were saying. That’s when I found the Facebook group: “We Support Mackenzie Phillips’ Decision to Speak Out Against Abuse.”

“You will remember… nothing.” I heard that phrase from my father repeatedly when I was a child. He was using pseudo-hypnosis to force me to forget what he was doing to me, which was, he said, my “duty as his daughter.” Then, when I was 12, my older brother forced himself on me, and used that phrase “You will remember…. Nothing.” (I don’t know if our father had used that phrase to hypnotize my brother, or if my brother over-heard it when our father was sexually abusing me.) I trained my mind to forget; the temptation to tell was replaced by the habit of not telling.

Incest was not the only experience I kept to myself. I did not know that I was not supposed to be in the corner bar with my father (when I was 8 and 10). By the time I was 15, my father’s doctor (a cardiologist) was giving me amphetamines, (Dexedrine and Benzedrine). My father told me that if I ever experimented with drugs, he would rather I get them from him
“than some scum bag on the streets.” When I was 17, I had to testify in court that my step-mother gave me Valium, and my father smoked pot with me. By the time I was 18, I was a full-blown addict, hell-bent on self-destruction by shooting meth and cocaine (see my memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story).

Due to therapy after an over-dose, I was in my twenties when I stopped using speed. Yet I did not get to the reason for the drug abuse until I was in my forties. The secrets and shame shrouded me in silence until I was 43. It took me 3 decades to tell of what had been done to me! A return to therapy helped me put the fragmented pieces of my shattered heart together again.

Now, in my fifties, I share my story so others who are survivors of incest know that they are not alone. Groups such “We Support Mackenzie Phillips” have shown me that survivors can thrive in unity. “Our wounds are not a measure of one individual’s sad fate, but an indication of our unity with others.”

Stay tuned for more stories of survivors who gain strength from online support...

Watch the live UStream broadcast of this blog-a-thon by clicking here.