Friday, December 04, 2009
Inventory and Invitation
"Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is."
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Finding Angela Shelton" - Day Sixteen...
Today is a day for reflection. Today's task (Take an Inventory of Your Feelings) is devoted to reviewing my writings, adding some things to them, and assessing the progress that I've made thus far. This phase of the journey is so important because it serves as a reminder that the past is the past, and that this very moment - the present - is now my reality. My reality is that I am a victor, no longer a victim. My reality is that I am moving on, no longer stuck in the past. My reality is that I am confronting my fears, no longer hiding from the world. My reality is that I am finding joy! How exciting is that?!
Today I'm asked to add two items to the list I made on day one. I don't believe I'd ever have trouble coming up with something to add to the list of ways trauma has affected me in my life. The deeper I dig into the enigmatic world of trauma and its effects on the brain, the easier it is to see how I've been letting the trauma run the show all these years. The two items I've chosen to add today are:
1) OVEREATING - I have struggled with my eating habits since I was a child. I have never had a healthy relationship with food.
2) SELF-INJURY - I have burned myself, hit myself, beaten myself, smacked myself, and cut myself since as far back as I can remember. (For the most part, I have conquered this problem, but I still struggle at times.)
The second part of today's task calls for me to take these two items and write affirmations for them. Remember "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough" from day three? As far as I'm concerned, these two affirmations have already been written. I've decided not to write new affirmations because I feel these issues are already addressed by the following affirmation from day three: I can take care of myself.
The third part of today's task is to notice how I feel in my body when I say my affirmation(s). I've already addressed how I feel about saying my affirmations in a previous blog. In the beginning, I always feel silly... but then it hits me. These things are true. I really can take care of myself! I don't want to overeat or hurt myself. I want to take care of myself because I have worth, and I'm beginning to really get that.
You know what? You have worth too. That's something I want you to realize. This blog is not about me. It never has been. From the beginning, I have shared my journey with you because I know how it feels to be stuck. I know how it feels to be afraid. I know how it feels to want to reach out, but to be too lost or too scared or too timid to do it. I know how it feels to be silent. I remember how it felt when my cries for help fell on deaf ears. Sure, I'm taking this journey for myself, but I don't write this blog for myself. I could just as easily do the daily tasks and keep my thoughts to myself, tucked neatly away forever... but I devote my mornings to this blog in order that you might catch a glimpse of the joy I am finding and want it for yourself.
You have been through enough. You don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to stay afraid. You have been hurting far too long. You are not alone. You can take this journey too. It might be scary or it might seem strange or even selfish to take the time to do something like this for yourself, but I would love nothing more than for you to jump in the game with me. Make the leap of faith from spectator to participant. Join me on this journey. Get off the Trauma Train and jump on the Joy Jet. The view's much better from up here!