Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Getting Down to Business Part Deux
"I fall back on this journal just as some other poor devil takes to drink." -Barbellion (pen name of Bruce Frederick Cummings)
"Finding Angela Shelton" - Day Twenty-five...
Well here we are at Day 25... five days left in this amazing journey. I only wish I had the ability to spill into this blog the thoughts and emotions that are swimming around in my head. It would, no doubt, take an entire series of books to explain to you the transformation that has been taking place in my mind over the last nine months. One volume of that series would have to be solely dedicated to these 30-plus days of healing techniques and self-exploration. I dare say that any person who is willing to follow through with this experiment, this change, is brave enough and strong enough to face (and conquer) any giant in their life if they will only resolve to carry in their hearts and minds the plethora of knowledge that is gained in the carrying out of each daily task. I don't know what got me to the point of being ready to accept the sheer amount of dedication and hard work it would take to heal, but I can tell you that every painstaking moment of getting to today has been worth the pain and suffering. Any woman who has ever given birth will understand exactly what I mean when I say that. I have, in some way, given birth to a new life. There has been such a transformation in my soul. I truly feel like I am becoming the person I was meant to be.
Today's task was very involved. I was asked to write about what I want out of life, what I don't like about my life, things that have changed since Day One, and thoughts about how I am moving from pain and suffering into the life I want for myself. I am thoroughly convinced that writing things down in order to gain perspective on your healing process is essential. Personally, I have never known someone who's experienced a significant level of healing without writing about their issues in some way, shape or form.
I ended up with six pages of elaboration on the business plan that was created yesterday. These six pages of my journal are so full of information that it would just be ridiculous for me to try to share them with you 100%, so I've chosen a few highlights to give you a glimpse into the reality of what can happen when we truly let go of our hangups and work our way through the pain:
*I want my children and my husband to be proud of me. I want people to see Jesus when they examine my life. I want to be genuine and I want to be able to extend to myself the grace and forgiveness that I give to others. I want to embrace mistakes and failures as lessons in life, rather than beating myself up over things I may have done differently.
*There's not really a whole lot about my life that I don't like right now. I could stand to work harder at being physically healthy, like working more toward giving up overeating and stressing over things I can't control. I need to stop apologizing for things that have nothing to do with me.
*There has been a significant improvement in the way I feel about the things that had me "stuck" on Day One. I have seen a positive change in every single area I listed as a problem area. Some of the changes have been more significant than others, but there is no denying that change for the better is happening in my life.
*I am letting go of irrational fears. I'm educating myself. I am letting go of people-pleasing habits. I'm letting go of the lies I've told myself for so many years. I am accepting compliments and realizing that there are times when I really do deserve them. I am seeing true beauty when I look at myself. I am doing something every day to remind myself that I am here, in the present, and I am doing my best to make the most of it. I am moving from feeling lonely to feeling loved. I'm playing and encouraging myself to do child-like things sometimes because I recognize the need for fun in my life. I am processing my fears when I feel them. I am letting go of worries and focusing on things I can do in the present moment.
I would encourage you to let go of any preconceived notions of what this whole "journey" is about, and to try it for yourself if you haven't done so already. I'm pretty sure I've asked this question before, but what do you have to lose? A therapist once taught me an exercise to help me get past worries and fears about the future. In the exercise, I was to take my "what if" statement and turn it around into a "what if not" statement. Here's an example:
Worry/Thought: What if I die in a car accident while I'm driving into town to visit a friend today?
The result of what would likely happen if I die in a car accident today: My family will be devastated, my children will be left without a mother, etc...
Counter Thought: What if I DON'T die in a car accident while I'm driving into town to see my friend today?
The result of what would likely happen if I DON'T die in a car accident today: I'll see my friend, we'll probably have a great time visiting with each other, I'll feel refreshed because I'll be taking time to do something for myself, etc.
Which result is LOGICALLY most likely? Well, statistics show that most people who ride around in their cars do not die in accidents. While some people do die in car wrecks, statistically speaking, I'm more likely to be safe and sound at the end of the day.
What will I do with this information? I will choose to go to town to see my friend, because statistics prove that I will most likely NOT be involved in an accident.
Here's my challenge to you... Get out a piece of paper... now... write this stuff down! What are your thoughts about healing? What will happen if you don't heal? What will happen if you DO heal? What are some logical and illogical thoughts about the process? Have you seen others heal successfully? What if you're not successful?
What if you ARE successful?
Most importantly, what are you going to do with this information? What if you are successful? What do you stand to gain?