Friday, January 22, 2010
The Secret of My Success
"Finding Angela Shelton" - Day Twenty-seven...
I was told to make or buy a "Congratulations" card and send it to myself today. In the message of the card, I was to congratulate myself for letting go of negative thoughts (and for a few other things). I made the card, and I mailed it... but today's blog has almost nothing to do with today's task. I keep getting email from people who ask, "What's your secret?" and the answer to that question came to me this morning, so I felt the need to share it while it's fresh in my mind.
I've said a few times that I don't know what got me to the point of being "ready" to heal. I've come to the realization, just through some quiet reflection and self-examination, that I know exactly what got me here. I was tired of being stuck in fear. Fear of losing control of my emotions or being hurt by others kept me from building meaningful relationships. Fear of what my friends and family would think of me kept me from sharing my story. Fear of the unknown kept me from reaching out to find a solution to my problems.
I was weary. I was tired... I was waking up afraid every single day of my life. For over 20 years, I had felt hopelessness. I had felt shame. I had been angry with myself. I had felt like a failure. I had felt ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, and unworthy. I had wrestled with addictions. I had been sucked into the downward spiral of self-injury and self-hatred. I was afraid happiness was unattainable. I was afraid that no matter how hard I tried, I would fail. In my desperation, I finally decided that even if I fell flat on my face and failed at every attempt I made to get past this junk, I was willing to take the risk. I knew if I didn't, I was going to die.
To be honest with you, I didn't have any strength in the beginning of this leg of my journey. I was so broken, so weak, and so scared. But I knew that other people had not only survived situations much worse than my own, they had learned how to thrive... and somehow I took hold of that truth and held on for dear life. I moved along the healing path even while I was afraid. I moved in my fear instead of denying that I was afraid. I kept putting one foot in front of the other and picking myself up when I fell along the way. Each victory helped me release a little bit of my fear, which helped me keep going. The more I moved in my fear, the stronger I got. The stronger I got, the easier it was to move in my fear. Moving in fear instead of staying stuck in fear is what saved my life and brought me to the truth... the truth that joy was a possibility, even for ME.
I'm no longer stuck in fear. For the first time in my life I believe I am ready to live. I am done wearing the weight of the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am ready to smile. I'm ready to sing. I'm ready to dance, to play, to love... to breathe and to have true peace in my heart and my mind... and when I am afraid, I will move in my fear, because I know this feeling of freedom is worth every bit of fear I have faced in order to find it.
I have learned that I am not only a warrior, I am also a conqueror... and today I congratulate myself for every little victory over fear.