Wednesday, March 31, 2010
What Do You Do When it Hurts? (Reaching Out)
Sometimes I wonder if anything in this world sucks more than being unable to forgive yourself. When confronted with the past, too often we make the decision to hold on to what we've been through, and we let it drag us down into the muck and the mire. We wallow in and wrestle with the anger until we are so covered with pain, regret, hopelessness and hurt that we no longer recognize who we are...
Yesterday was a really tough day for me. Yesterday I had the chance to have a conversation with someone I care deeply for, and I had the chance to apologize for some things that should have been made right a long, long time ago. Having the chance to say "I'm sorry" is a beautiful thing. Knowing you're forgiven is a beautiful thing... and forgiving yourself is a beautiful thing... but forgiving yourself... why is it so difficult?
I don't want hold on to the past and I don't want to beat myself up about things. So how do you live with the fact that the cycle of abuse you were sucked into caused you to make decisions that hurt others deeply? How do you forgive yourself for wounding someone you love?
My regular readers know that this entire process has been nothing but a public display of my healing, a complete transparency of thought and process and a look inside the mind of someone who is facing her demons, fighting her demons, and doing her best not to run from her demons. Since this is such an honest effort to give other survivors a glimpse into the reality of the healing journey, I'm doing things a little differently today. Remember when I preached at you all about reaching out for help? Remember when I told you to NEVER be too proud to say you need guidance? I'm reaching out today. It's that time for me. I need guidance and I need some strength. Help me feel my way through this. With today's blog I want to pose a question to you: How do you forgive yourself when the going gets so tough that you can't find your smile?
Until next time... I'm holding onto hope.